There's been kind of a reoccurring theme for me popping up this week. I think life/god/the universe is trying to tell me something.
At yoga Wednesday night the theme was to enjoy where you are NOW. To not always want more. When you've mastered where you are more will come to you. I think I've gotten this idea down pretty well in the last few years. When Greg got furloughed, I felt like life got put on hold (hence "life in a holding pattern") and it took me a while to settle that burning desire to keep moving forward with our lives and what we wanted. We were forced to take a step back from our goals in life and kind of just get by until things were back on track for us. During this time, I looked around and asked myself what I could do while I was "waiting" and found my love for running, blogging, an active social life, my puppy, and many other fantastic things. It's been wonderful and I love the things I've accomplished and learned about myself in this interim time.
But lately I've allowed my desire for the things I wanted before, that I put on hold a few years ago, to creep back in. I want to have a baby, and the desire has suddenly taken hold of me in an extreme all consuming kind of way. We are finally at the point where Greg's career is getting back on track and we both feel like it's time. Suddenly I've become hyper aware of all things baby and all the pregnant people around me and I am green with envy. I'm admittedly jealous of those younger than me that get to live the dream without having to wait like I did.
Today I read this post, and I am really trying to embrace this message. I truly am happy for the people in my life that have, are expecting, or trying for a baby, and I hope we all get to experience this joy. While right now, I'm envious of those that are already experiencing it, I know that they deserve it and I deserve it too, and hopefully I will get to experience it soon.
I'm terrified that it will be more difficult for us than a lot of couples just due to the fact that my husband is gone so much and may be gone at the wrong time of month, but we are just starting the process, so we'll see how things go.
I feel like good things did come from me having to wait, because I am truly ready now. I accomplished so much in becoming who I've wanted to be. I feel centered and I really know myself now and feel pretty complete. I also feel like it was a great test for Greg and I to go through this struggle together and come out on the other side still loving each other and wanting to be together and have a family. Not everyone would have survived this struggle like we did.
Anyway, that's where I'm at with everything right now. I've been debating whether to share more details about trying to conceive or not, and can't really decide if it's something I want to blog about or not. Most people I know in real life that read this blog know I'm trying anyway, so it doesn't seem like a big deal to put it out there. I also don't know if you guys want to hear about that or not. I welcome feedback...