Thursday, October 27, 2011

An Angry Run

So this month was another failed cycle in TTC (trying to conceive) for us.  Needless to say, I'm having a rough time with it...  I know, if you break it down, I got pregnant in about 5 months last time (which isn't bad by any means), and that we've really only been trying for again for about 2 months (since I could start trying after the miscarriage), but just to be at this point in the year and not be pregnant or closer to a baby than we were in January when this all started is something I'm really struggling with.  I can't help but see the totality of the situation and feel like we're failing at this.

The worst thing about this month was that it seemed like almost the perfect cycle.  We had more chances to try at around the right time than usual and I just felt like we kind of gave it our all and had a really good chance.  I know some people thought I was crazy to go to Houston, but when you've been trying for close to a year and your husband is home like one night a week most of the time, you're chances for getting pregnant are not that good.  Besides, I wanted to go and see his new apartment and hang out anyway, and people have been suggesting I follow him to try pretty much all year long.  I figured it was worth a shot.  That trip, along with his next group of days off gave us a lot of time together, which is rare these days.  Greg doesn't get schedules much better than this month's, so if any cycle was going to be possible for it to happen, it should have been this one.  I already know that Greg's schedule for November doesn't look that good in terms of our chances to try. 

So...I'm frustrated.  Last night I was actually ANGRY.  I don't understand why this is so difficult.  I hate not having any control over any of it, and I think that's one of the biggest things bothering me about all of this.  I'm doing everything I can to help this happen, and it's still not happening.  I really don't know what to do anymore.  I feel like giving up.

So last night, sad, confused, and angry, I decided to take it out on the pavement. 


Yeah, I'm slow right now.  I've sacrificed many days and weeks of pushing myself in running this year, to try to take it easy in case that would help me to get pregnant (or stay pregnant).  But it hasn't helped anyway.  I downloaded some new Coldplay (which is great) and went running.  Even though it was tough, it felt good.  Running is something I DO have control over.  I can push myself and see results.  It's nice to have control over something.  Sure, it wasn't my best run ever.  It was short, my legs felt heavy, and it's frustrating to not be as fast as I used to be, but I did feel better after my run.  I'll take it.




I don't know where we're going to go from here.  Greg and I have had a couple conversations about it and part of me is at my breaking point with it all.  I want to throw in the towel for a while and focus on something else.  But this nagging part of my brain wants to keep trying.  Maybe needs to keep trying...  I do think I want to train for a race again.  Even just a 5k or 10k.  I'm thinking a turkey trot.  Since I know our chances in November aren't that great anyway, I figure what the hell.  I need to feel capable again.  I need something that is mine.

So I have running...

And cupcakes...



And a dog in a banana costume...



Yeaaaaaaaah...  I guess that'll have to be enough for now.



10 comments:

Kate the Great said...

Sorry dear :(

Kirsten said...

I totally get the need to run and train for control. It's definitely part of the reason that I'm training for my first half marathon right now!

Amber said...

Yay for running to work out some stress and frustration! Hang in there. I think a short race is a great idea! Having a goal unrelated to something else stressful in my life makes me feel so much more at ease!

Runblondie26 said...

Haha, love Clyde's costume! That's the best banana-dog I've ever seen.

Ironic how we wait for our husband's careers to "take off", so to speak. Financially it makes for a good time to have a baby, but the actual baby-making part becomes the problem.

Runblondie26 said...

If it makes you feel any better, I envy your social-butterfly lifestyle.You seem like a really fun person to hang out with, and it looks like you have a good support system.

Jen said...

You know I hate you're going through this. While it SUCKS, your attitude and feelings about the whole situation are healthy and normal. My fingers are crossed for you. Until then, pound the pavement- it's definitely a great way to cope!

Anonymous said...

Hi Brittney-
I'm not sure what to write, but wanted to give you some encouragement. I am also a pilot's wife and feel like my story is very similar to yours. We are currently in the three month window after a miscarriage. I am devastated and heart broken, but we know that God has something good in it for us (even though through tears I keep asking.. WHAT does He have for us that is good?).
I will be praying for you and your husband on this journey. You are not alone and there is A LOT of hope for the future (I'm telling myself this as much as I am telling you). Thank you for blogging so honestly.
Anna

Liz @ runbakerace said...

So sorry it didn't work out this month :). I keep my fingers crossed all the time for you. So glad to hear that you are back out running again. I returned to running right after my miscarriage because it's something that made me feel more "me" again. I think training for a Turkey Trot sounds awesome :).!!!!

Heather said...

I just came across your blog after catching up with HTP. She had linked you talking about miscarriage. I have had 2 miscarriages this year (back to back) & totally understand where your heart is! We just started trying again this month after taking the whole summer off (my second d&c was June 8th.)

Please feel free to email me if you want to vent! It's always great to have an ear from someone who has been there!

Prayers that all goes well & you are knocked up soon :)

Jessica Hooks said...

Brittney,

A friend who ran Savannah with me just recommended your blog, and I've so enjoyed getting to know you through your posts. This one in particular touched me as through my work I see so many women who have been or are in your shoes. It's incredibly frustrating to work so hard for something you want so badly and have it be so out of your control. I'm sure you've gotten more advice than you can stand, so I'll say only that my prayers are with you and your husband that a child will come your way and in the meantime, run happy. :)

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