Friday, August 3, 2012

For Those In The Trenches

Wow, your comments, tweets, and reactions to my news have blown me away.  You guys are awesome, thank you, thank you, thank you!

I didn't really know how to break the news, which is why I have waited.  I have actually had that post in the works for a while, and sort of wrote it/updated it as things went along.  It's not a cute or creative announcement and there's plenty of details I left out, forgot, or didn't include.  Eventually, it just felt like it was time to let you guys know what was going on though.  I just couldn't wait anymore and decided to publish what I had and fill in the rest later.

One thing I didn't talk about enough was what a long road it's been to get here.  I guess I assume you guys know from following my journey.  I want to reach out to those of you who are still struggling with infertility, miscarriage, or just really want a baby and it's not happening right now.  I've thought of you a lot.  It sucks.  I know.  I'm sorry if my news causes you heartache.  I totally get that.  I have been upset, jealous, and angry so many times when I have heard of other people getting their miracles, while I was struggling.  Nothing about infertility is fair, at all.  I have learned that lesson over and over again.  The past year and a half has housed some of the darkest times in my life.  It's isolating in a way that not many people understand.  I was irritable, lonely, sad, angry, and exhausted from fighting the battle of infertility.  I kind of still am.  It definitely changed me.

Like I said in my last post, I don't feel like I'm out of the woods yet.  My problem isn't getting pregnant, it's staying pregnant.  I'm further than I've ever been before, but it doesn't guarantee that I'm going to have a baby in the end.  It's still REALLY scary.  Every ultrasound, I'm holding my breath.  I'm constantly wondering if my lack of symptoms means something is wrong.  I question everything I eat, do, etc...  I'm still very paranoid that something could go wrong.  I don't know if this will ever change.

I am hopeful though.  I've learned to be more patient than I ever have been before, and to keep going even when it's just based on blind faith and hope that everything will be okay.  Every slight wave of nausea, spot of acne, and good ultrasound helps me to be more hopeful.  I hope some of you will gain hope from my story.  I think sometimes you have to go through hell to get to the good stuff.  Sometimes I think the miscarriages happened to me so that I will really appreciate my baby when times are tough, Greg is away flying, and I feel like being a mom is the toughest thing ever.  I'll always have that struggle to conceive ingrained in me to remind me how lucky I am to have a baby.

Anyway, to all of you still struggling.  I'm sorry, and please keep hope alive.  Do what you have to do to survive.  For me, going drinking with some of the guys from work helped a lot.  Running helped.  Basically anything that distracted me from all the people around me that were pregnant and had babies.  Sometimes you do need to distance yourself from all things pregnancy and baby.  But don't discount those friends.  Some of my pregnant friends and those with babies were the most understanding and helpful ones.  Just hang in there and try to keep believing you will get there eventually.  I know it's tough!


Cassie said...

Wise words! I appreciate you sharing your experiences.

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